the elephants have past lives, yet are destined to always remember

Yeah...it's been an awfully long time since I've written...

I'm not going to write about what happened between then and now.
MMKAY?
K.

SOOOOOO, I'm going to college. In less than two weeks.

IT'S SO WEIRD.


yup...







weird.

I miss him. Too much.




I am the stupidest person alive.
I was just looking at a picture of us today and I literally started shaking. Just the look on his face in the picture was so wonderful, and I looked so happy...
WHY DID I SCREW THAT UP???
I really hate myself for that. I want to make it right...but I feel like I can't talk to him about it...

I'm gonna call him. I think I'm gonna do it now...even if it is 10:44...I need to do it before I lose confidence.

Today Rachel completed the mission I assigned to her. The mission was to find out if Alasdair wanted to get back together or not. I found out instead that he might be getting back together with his old girlfriend.
I feel like a prize idiot.
I would love to say that it doesn't bother me. But I can't. It hurts. And I can't stop thinking about it. I've tried.


I just feel like all of this is my fault.
And of course it is.

(title is from The Only Fault by Rachael Yamagata)

Quick Update:
I didn't get into Emerson.
I am probably going to Fredonia.
I broke up with my boyfriend.
I'm worried about school and passing my classes.
I feel like shit.

Oh dear, updates are becoming quite scarce, aren't they? Sorry 'bout that.
But, on the college front: I GOT INTO SUNY FREDONIA!!!!!
It's quite amazing. I Have no real desire to go there but it's rather encouraging. Although i also heard back from Pace's Theater program and they didn't except me. And it was my second choice. So if Emerson doesn't except me, I don't know what I'll do. I really don't want to end up in east jesus nowhere.
Also, I have a SHITLOAD of Law work to do, so I'll post again later...maybe.

HOLY SHIT!!
IT HAS BEEN FAR TOO LONG SINCE I'VE POSTED IN THIS THING, MY LIVEJOURNAL, ALSO KNOWN AS MY GIANT PIT OF DEPRESSION.
WOOPS!

SO, what has been going on with me? Well...
I did an audition at SUNY Fredonia and drove 8 hours to get there, stopping once for the night and then three more times on the side of the road so I could puke. Not pretty. BUT. I survived and THEN drove for another two days down to Florida to see my grandparents (more accurately my grandpa Joe and my step-grandma Ada)We spent several days there, in which we spent time at the beach, I read a fascinating and disturbing book about a serial killer at the worlds fair in 1893, I tanned (a little), called Rachel and Lauren, tried to deal with being stuck with my family, and missed my boyfriend quite a bit so that I felt rather pathetic and girly. Then we drove back north, stopping in Georgia to visit friends and then driving for 17 hours from Georgia to New York!!!! It was terrible.
Then I went back to school, saw my friends, saw my boyfriend, and discovered that I have a new manifestation of my anxiety in the form of uncontrollable shivering!!! Yay me!!!
AND then this weekend i spent 80% of my time at Matt's, filming a creative writing project. The other chunck of my weekend was spent driving to Boston to audition for EMERSON!!!!!!! I was SO VERY VERY TERRIFIED. But I was proud of myself because I DID NOT PUKE! I made it through with a lot of shaking, sweating and nausea, but no actual vomit. My dad found a piece of broken mirror and told met hat it was part of Sirius's mirror and that I would see Aberforth's eye in it and do awesome in my audition. I still have it.
But Alyssa met me there (she dates my mom's best friends son and she goes to Emerson. SHe also happens to be the nicest person to ever exist) she came to support me and be there for me, even though she was sick. AND she told my moms best friend that they LIKED ME!!!!!!!!! I have no idea what that means but hopefully it's something AMAZING.
Anywhoo, that's my life in a nutshell.
I promise I'll post more often.

SO, I'm still working on the project for Creative Writing that is due TOMORROW. So basically I'm screwed. BUT I've ditched the book review so I MAY get it done in time.
I had a lovely time with the boyfriend yesterday; a group of us went to Friendly's and then Matt, Jeremy, Alasdair and I all went back to Alasdair's house and hung out. Jeremy set up Alasdair's new drum kit and I watched. Haha, but it was quite fun. Even though I missed a new NCIS and two new Scrubs BUT I suppose that's the price you pay to have a life. lol
So, I'm off to finish my project before I procrastinate any further.

So GUESS WHAT?! I have a BOYFRIEND!
response from imaginary readers: Jesus, finally? What are you, like, 17? God, girl, it took you this long? Wow. Just wow.
Shut up, imaginary readers.

I am pretty happy. So that's good.

on another note, I have a HUGE creative writing project to do this weekend. It is massive. I have to write a poem, a story, and a book review and do artwork for this and what the rest of my group is doing (this is a group "magazine"). Phew. So I have to go start that. Right now.
.
..
...
or maybe later...

Obama is the president, the world is in for change, amazing speech, yadda yadda yadda.
One of the most important days of our time and all I can think about is a boy: Alasdair. yup. Again. I told him I liked him and now I have no idea what's going to happen. Shit, I'm scared and stupid. Fuck.

I have added a new show to my obsession list: Bones. I love it. I love the characters, I love the crimes, I love the storylines...it's an instant favorite.
I love TV. :)
I'm watching it online now, but it's taking FOREVER to load, so I'm updating livejournal while I wait for it.
The thing about this show, is that, it doesn't fall into a rut; there's always something exciting, and there's always something personal going on.

So, boring boring boring post. Sorry.

Help me. Please.
I don't know what I want. I don't know how to help myself.
I came home early from school. I feel like I could die, but I'm not sick. I just...
WHY DO I FEEL SO TERRIBLE???? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO BE HAPPY? WHERE DO I NEED TO GO? WHAT DO I NEED? WHO DO I NEED? WHAT DO I WANT? WHO DO I WANT?

please help me....someone....

I'm never sure if I'm doing the right thing. I want to help Lauren, but I don't know how, and I know she probably doesn't want my help...she never comes to me, I always hear about things after they've happened, I'm never quite sure if she trusts me, and it hurts me, but I can't let it because she's the one that need help...not me. Right? I'm fine...I don't need to be watched anymore, I don't need anyone worrying about me...but it kills me because there are those times when it hurts just as much as it used to, when the anxiety threatens to take me under, but I've gone back to pushing it out of sight, because I'm so tired of feeling like that, I try so hard to make sure I don't feel like that...that it may do more damage than it prevents. But I don't know what to say anymore because I feel like everyone else is tired too, no one wants me to feel like I do anymore... the only person I can think to tell is Mom, but she's had to deal with all of this for too long...it's not fair to her. I just feel like the only thing people pay attention to is when I hear...Frank, because that's... I don't know. But just feeling sad and scared...I still feel like I should handle it, deal with it...I'm just not sure I can...I've been feeling this way for weeks now, I feel more like I did two summers ago, but I've been doing a pretty good job of hiding it. I'm having more trouble sleeping again too...
What do I do now?

I feel kindof empty. Not my usual kind, though. I feel older, in a way. As though I was so child-like throughout all of this and now I'm somehow grown up...that's just how it feels anyway. I know I'm not technically an adult, and there are times I feel far from that, but right now I don't feel like a little girl.
I think I can write that story now...

It's Christmas! My brother is currently playing with his new remote control helicopter. It's freaky, mostly because it looks like a giant bug flying into the wall. Sounds like one too.
I'm going to go watch my new DVD of Funny Face now. Goodbye.

Well it's Christmas eve once again, and for the first time in my life, I have no plans. Normally, Mom's cooking up a storm because we have people coming, or we're going somewhere. But no. Today, you know what I did? Went to Borders. Not even to do christmas shopping! (because I've finished) Mom went to Stew Lenord's! And tonight we're going to the late service at church, which, admittedly, is one of my favorite events of the whole year. We go to the candlelight service every year, the one at 10:00. There's always really beautiful music and it's less crowded and there are less screaming kids. Toward the end of the service, the lights go out, and we all light our candles. We sing silent night, and this woman from our congregation gets up and does Silent Night in sign language. It's absolutely breathtaking. So I'm happy about that.
I'm really looking forward to the rest of break, my friends and I are planning alot of fun stuff. We're going ice skating, playing laser tag and going to the Met!!!!

I don't feel much like typing right now.

I haven't posted much of anything as of late, have I? No, I guess not.
Well. I'm crazy, obviously, I'm almost done with my college applications, I'm seeing CJ over the summer (holy crap!!!) and things with my friends are good.
SO WHY DO I STILL FEEL SO SHITTY???? HMMM??? WHY?
I mean, it's better than last year, sooo much better, but lately I've been feeling a little more like that and a little less "content". No that isn't the right word... "complacent"? Maybe. "Marginally satisfied" maybe. That sounds close. Anyway.
I can't remember any of my dreams lately (I can never really remember them, but I always remember parts) I only know that they've been disturbing. I wake up scared and covered in a cold sweat. I haven't done that in a while. Not since the start of school. The only one I can remember is the death penalty one.
I've had this dream twice now, once in early September, the other a couple of weeks ago. In the dream, I'm in a white room, lying strapped to a table with a needle in my arm. To my left there is a red curtain, like where a window would be. I pick my head up as the curtain opens and behind the glass is a room full of people watching me. My mom, dad, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, anyone who has ever meant anything to me. And they all just sit there, expressions of mild interest on their faces as if I was a vaguely entertaining TV show. I'm being given the death penalty, and I have no idea what for. I start to scream, trying to get anyone to help me, but no one seems to be listening. I know they hear me, but they do nothing. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and a few people leave, looking bored. I feel something cold enter my veins and then I wake up.
It's terrible. It is possibly the worst dream I have ever had. I wake up screaming bloody murder and my parents come running into my room and my mom just holds me till I stop crying. I feel about two when I do this. Normally my dreams are not this realistic, and they aren't usually set in a recognizable world. Things are always different colors, there's almost always fog, and there are very sinister things about the world. But I don't mind those dreams. I wouldn't say I like them, but I don't fear them. I've even begun drawing some of them for my AP art class. So far I just have sketches though.

I'm bored. It's the first friday night in a while where I've had nothing to do. Normally, I'm always home on friday nights, but lately I've been busy. It feels weird not being busy.

I hate the term "emotional roller coaster". Alot.

K so the crazy is gone for now. Rachel has taken it upon herself to become my own personal College applications drill sergeant. But it's a good thing. Maybe I'll actually apply now. lol. I wish I was exagerating.
I'm talking to Lauren now. I hate holding my phone like this. It hurts my neck. Wow, I never watched that movie Jack told me to rent. The Go-Getter? Something like that. Zooey Dechannel is in it. He told me about it when Claire was putting that bow in his hair. Was that before or after jousting? Hmmm...I can't remember.
WOW. I feel quite random today.


OH and I found CJ. On facebook by being a total creeper. I don't know if he'll remember me.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm done with the play, yet I'm a complete and utter mess. I have exactly a week to finish my novel, and I've been procrastinating all day. I'm freaking out about college shit and I can't stop shaking now that I've actually resumed working on Half Crazy. I mean, writing about feeling crazy should not make me feel crazy myself, being that I know that Oliver's not crazy and I know what's happening. But I've been feeling weird all day and
UGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG????
i CAN'T STOP SHAKING. shit, sorry, the caps lock was still on. My heart rate is even speeding up. shit, shit shit shir shit t stihti
We're also having Thanksgiving at our house this year so come thurday, my room and the whole house needs to be clean and I just don't know how to handle this. Typing is getting hard because I keep hitting the wrong keys and spell check keeps yelling at me (yeah, I've got spell check on the internet)

I want all of this to go away. All of this feeling terrible, this feeling insane. They keep saying I'm getting better? But how is that true if I still keep feeling like this??? I don't even know if I should tell anyone, because it's not going to help anyway. It's either written off as a "bump in the road" or "low blood sugar" or "just being tired" because it's not.

Took a little break there. Freaked out in front of my family, had to run in place, fell down, lay on the ground for a while, got up, came back up here to the computer.
I need help.

K, so I had the busiest weekend.
On friday I had a sleepover at Nicoles w/ Jaimie, Nicole, Mariah, Lisa and Ann and Matt and Nathaniel and Lauren (the last three left before the actual sleeping)
Then on Saturday, I had an all-day rehearsal for Midsummer. I skipped out at 5:00 to run over to Tori's to borrow her Halloween costume, run back to my place, change into said costume and run over to Lindy's for Chris's Pocahontas themed birthday party (Tori was indian for halloween, get it?). At 9:30 my dad came and got me and drove me to Lauren's. We hung out until midnight when she drove me home.
Sunday I had church. Then I came home and ate lunch before running off to go bowling with Nicole, Jaimie, Matt, Nathaniel, Lisa and Mariah. After that we walked to Starbucks and stayed there until 6:00, playing Bang Kill Marry.

I am so tired. We had today off because of Veterans day, so I got to sleep in. Yet I only got 8 hours because for some reason I just couldn't sleep any longer. (yeah, I know 8 hours is what you're supposed to get, but I only function with at least 9)

AND this week is Hell Week for the play, so I'm going to be going crazy. Even more crazy than I already am.

I should be writing my novel today, but I'm just too tired and too distracted.